Lily Pad Jumper

Pause

2009-03-26T23:36:00.002-04:00

Obviously, I'm taking a break. I am having serious trouble with inspiration lately. I have still been taking a photo every day, but sometimes at just minutes to midnight and of items sitting around my room. I'm trying to get back to where I want to be artistically, but I'm struggling.

I am way too far behind to post every photo of the 365 that I haven't posted here, so I'll just let you see them on my flickr page.

Thanks.

Echo

2009-03-20T11:44:00.003-04:00

I could say that I have been neglecting this here blog because I want to leave that clover picture at the top of the page. But, let's be honest, I'm lazy. I'm uninspired. I don't have much to say.

I have a busy weekend coming up and will most likely write one of those long rambling posts. Just so you are prepared, ya know. For now I will leave you with this...

Sixty Nine and Seventy

2009-03-11T19:01:00.003-04:00

070/365

069/365

068/365

2009-03-09T18:44:00.001-04:00

067/365

2009-03-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

More 365

2009-03-08T12:28:00.003-04:00

066/365

065/365

Slacker

2009-03-05T20:00:00.008-05:00

I am embarassed to say that this 365 Project isn't as easy at it looks. Finding new inspiration in the four walls of your own daily life can sometimes be daunting. I am around children all day and while I enjoy taking photos of them and their goings-on, I have an agreement with their parents that I wont slap pictures of their kids all over the internet. When I do post pictures of The Beast and Her Brother, I try to make sure they are sufficiently "disguised".

So....four days a week, my main subject matter is slightly constricted. Which makes it tough to then find another level of inspiration. That is my excuse for not updating regularly the past several days, I've been "not in da mood" as Her Brother would say. I've still been taking photos, just haven't been very excited about some of them.

064/365

063/365

062/365

061/365

060/365

059/365

2009-02-28T17:10:00.001-05:00

058/365

2009-02-27T19:07:00.001-05:00

057/365

2009-02-26T20:20:00.000-05:00

Fifty Five and Fifty Six

2009-02-25T21:01:00.002-05:00

Fifty Six

Fifty Five

Catching Up on 365

2009-02-23T17:58:00.005-05:00

I labeled all of the 365 in the Vacation Review post, but I still need to catch up on the ones after that. Here you are:

051/365
February 20

052/365
February 21

053/365
February 22

054/365
February 23

The Vacation in Review

2009-02-22T11:31:00.026-05:00

To keep a long story short*, I'm going to go with bullet points.

- I'm am not built for airplanes. I think something a fellow traveler said, sums it up. "They need to start building planes in New York. I think they build them in Korea and think that every one who flies is that size. If they built them in New York, we would be more comfortable." This is from the same man who showed me a picture of his pot bellied pig, who was waiting for him and his wife to return home from their 14 day cruise.

- My first time renting a car was made more exciting by the speedy, if clownish, car that allowed me to hum along the California Autobahn, and keep up with the maniacal lead footed Natives.

- I cannot allow another five years to pass between visits with my dear sweet Cousin A. I treasure my friendship with her, and hold her wisdom and insight to be a valuable part of my life.

045/365

- Getting to meet her lovely children was one of the highlights of my trip. They are an adorable mix of their parents and I had such a fun time enjoying their energy.

- Of note, Folsom ain't just for prisons. That town is on my revisit list.

- There would be a hole in my life if my Granny Earlene were not a part of it. I could just sit and spend time with her and be completely content. I am so grateful to have been able to visit her on this trip, and my only regret is that the time was much too short.

- During said visit with Granny, I got to see a few family members that I met once, a very long time ago. One of them said during conversation, "Have you been watching the news? The Grapevine might be closed?" To which I thought, "That's nice, what is the Grapevine?" Let's just say that when you have to look at this to figure that out, your day just got a lot longer.

- After checking the road conditions and calling other local family members, someone said "If you are going to go, you should go NOW." Wow, a little drama to spice up my trip. Okay. I leave with Granny teary-eyed and saying "If anyone can do it, YOU can, Brooke." I feel as if I am a pioneer with the Donner Party (I know right State, wrong mountains). In that case, is it a good or bad thing I'm traveling alone?

- I speed through Central California in the rain and cold. Not really the weather I was looking forward to, and a friend so graciously tells me, "Well, it is seasonal weather." Yeah, thanks. I could have been stuck in this weather FOR FREE in North Carolina. But, I am in California for the first time in 10 years, I am going to enjoy it no matter what. Damn it.

- As I mentioned in a previous post, I am enamored by California and it's singular style. You just can't get this stuff anywhere else. It was very hard to remember I didn't have time to waste (there is that dreaded mountain to climb after all) and stop in every little town off The 99. Rusted neon signs. Old deserted motels. Bungalows. Main Streets. I finally zeroed in on Merced and asked the man at the gas station where downtown was. It was a short visit, it is hard to wander in that kind of weather. But I got enough pictures to have a good remembrance.

- Ah, Bakersfield. How your desolation provides little comfort for a weary traveler. It was still light enough to see The Grapevine, my nemesis, and what I was getting ready to battle. Definitely not what I was expecting when I planned this trip months ago. But, Granny was right, I can do it.

- I make it to the base of the mountain in time to be surrounded by darkness. I had previously thought that if I was going to be stuck going up in to these canyons of wind, I would at least need to have as much day light as possible. I am not the most brave night time driver. My day time self would be very disappointed at how over cautious I can be. But it was about half way through my drive in those mountains when I realize how grateful I was to be blind to everything outside of my peripheral vision.

- I wouldn't characterize myself as "afraid of heights". But, there are a couple of instances where I just can't handle what is below. One of those is driving along the side of a cliff. I remember being on trips back and forth to Truckee and having to ask my Mom to drive in the other lane so the valley below was out of my line of sight. All of those movies where a car goes off the side of the road and tumbles end over end just eat at my imagination. During this drive, I was more than grateful to be ignorant of those possibilities.

- Hello, SoCal! How I have missed thee. Lights fill the valley for as far as I can see. My arms are stiff from trying to make sure the steering wheel doesn't somehow get a mind of it's own, but I can almost forget that when I see Magic Mountain appear. I don't think I ever got to ride the roller coasters, but I always thought it sounded like THE coolest place. So, I had dinner at a Del Taco across the street. Killing one and a half birds with one stone.

- Let me take a moment to give a shout out to my friend "Michelle". We didn't really get along during the trip to Boston. But, having more wide open space for her satellite brain to guide me along the maze of freeways in California was a blessing. I have to say I had a very pathetic first world complaint while using the GPS during my trip. I'm a little embarrassed to admit I said to myself, "How in the world did we ever find our way around on road trips without GPS?". MAPS, dear.

- Have you ever heard of Hotel Indigo? It is my new favorite place. I actually first hear of the from Sweet Juniper and thought, how can there be a cool place to stay in Cincinnati (sorry)? [Can't find a link to Dutch's recommendation] But this place is stylish, comfortable, clean, and dare I say a bit on the luxurious side. If you have never bid on Priceline, you are missing out. I got a STEAL, thanks Mr. Shatner.

- They say you can't go home again. Such a cheesy cliche, but they also say it's a cliche because it's true. Mom gave me the address of the house we lived in during the bulk of our years in SoCal. 11179 Hamal. I remember the back hoe digging the tree out of the back yard and playing in the pit left behind. I remember the beautiful eucalyptus (I think) tree outside my window. I remember the walls off the canal jutting into the sky just past our property line. It is never as enchanting as you remember. Especially when some jerk has ripped out your beloved tree. AND replaced it with a Palm tree.

- Monday Morning. A-Day. I have been anxious for months about this day. I had built up such a nervous energy that it was manifesting itself as hives the week before I left. I was nervous on the short drive to T&N's house, but not shaking and scatter-brained, as I thought I would be. I knocked on the door and entered their sweet home. Scanning the room for A, anticipating his sounds. He was playing on the floor, a happy little wiggle of a boy. Hugs all around. Looking back, I was so lost in the moment, I don't really remember holding him for the first time, again. I just remember enjoying his precious chubby cheeks. Dancing and happy. My own nose, pointing back at me.

047/365

- A had a snack and we went to lunch. T decided we would go to the Mission Inn, and I am so glad he did. What a beautiful place. Even in the rain we wandered for hours, sneaking up stairs and down elevators. I would love to stay there someday. Although it is not a REAL Mission, it sure felt what I imagine Spain would be like.

- After a few hiccups in arranging dinner plans, I was on my way to meet my old friend Joe. I have known him for 10 years and we have never met. Strange to be so close to someone but to have never set eyes on them. You would have never known it, our evening was so comfortable and familiar. Even though he kept trying to convince me that The Academy Awards was right across the street. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, that is. That would be an EMMY statue. (I apologize for the two pictures after that. Need to know basis. But enjoy them anyway.)

- Tuesday Morning I wake up to the thought that if this day is covered in rain, like the others have been, I will declare my trip ruined. A bit on the dramatic side, but I have had enough. N says the beach is on the schedule and I just pray that the poncho my friend Brian recommends is not needed. I follow T&N to Newport, as I will be traveling up the coast later that evening and nothing in SoCal is "nearby".

- When I tell N that I got a little weepy when we crested the hill and I could see the ocean, she shares that it has always been her favorite part of a trip to the beach as well. Another reason on the list to love her. (Yes, there are greater reasons, but I am so glad A will grow up with someone who will share a love for the ocean with him.) I have been to SoCal beaches, but 20 years between visits is much too long. It is breathtaking. I am overwhelmed by not only how beautiful it is, but how different it is from the East Coast. I don't feel ashamed to say the West is better at this kind of stuff. We walked down the beach to a tide pool and from N's pictures of a previous adventure in starfish sightings, I was excited to get a first hand look. No luck. Maybe that dreaded rain sent them in to hiding. I know the feeling. All in all, it was a much needed experience, the ocean is a calming force in my life.

048/365

- We finish our time together, in Balboa. I've had the time of my life, taken more pictures of seagulls than should be legal and been called out on my "obvious tourist behavior". I'm ok with that. We walk back to our cars and THIS is where I make sure I'm paying attention. To relieve the guilt and pain of not being aware last time. I hold him, kiss his neck and say goodbye. I realize now that I did not need this trip as much as I thought I did. I did need to hold him one more time, while he is still a baby. But, I knew the moment I saw them that T&N were the ones. I had faith in their compassion and love. A's life is better spent in the uncomplicated awareness that while I am out there, loving him and wishing the best for him, I don't want to confuse his young mind. If he wants to see me, I will be there in a flash. But, for now, I will allow him the freedom to have a happy undisturbed childhood.

- PCH, Pacific Coast Highway. Being a beach nerd, I always imagined the PCH to be the ultimate in a California Coastal Advevnture. Granted, I didn't travel the entire lenght of highway, but it was fun nonetheless. I was on my way to meet an internet friend for dinner in Redondo Beach and I'm glad I chose a visit to his hometown, rather than more of LA with the other option of Anaheim. I was so tired, I'm sure he thought I was looney tunes. But it was nice to decompress during conversation with one of the coolest guys I know.

- There are Goats every where. Even in the most unexpected places.

- When the fun is over, you have to pack everything back up and check out. And fly all the way home. And get stuck in Minnesota for a few extra hours while they discover the landing gear might not be working to the best of it's ability. And deplane. And pack yourselves back in another sardine can, I mean airplane. And get home at one in the morning. And have to go to work the next day.

- But, while I was off having my adventure. The family I work for was at Disney World. I came to work Thursday morning to stories of princesses and beasts. I'm glad we all have our stories to share.

050/365

*Yeah, sorry about that. I have a lack of editing skills.

P.S. I blame any and all bad photography on my camera phone. And on Joe, for allowing me t0 leave my REAL camera behind.

047/365

2009-02-17T02:43:00.001-05:00

I have a lot to say about this trip. But, for now all I can say is that I am tired and all of those words will have to wait for another day. Until then, I think this speaks volumes.

046/365

2009-02-16T12:03:00.002-05:00

I adore California architecture and old lettering, and signage, and neon, and peeling paint, and this 1940's style marquee. My drive from Fresno took me by some fabulous signage but I was on a bit of a schedule and couldn't stop at all of them. I picked Merced as my one stop and snapped this picture while walking down Main Street in the bitter cold rain. Not exactly the kind of weather I was hoping for while in California, but I'll take it for now!

045/365

2009-02-15T02:24:00.002-05:00

043/365 and 044/365

2009-02-13T21:40:00.001-05:00

Today's....Light at the airport shuttle stop

Yesterday's....Fading sign from an even worse off abandoned car wash.

042/365

2009-02-11T19:25:00.000-05:00

041/365

2009-02-10T18:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Valentine:

2009-02-10T13:25:00.003-05:00

I would just like to inform a certain boy I have loved for a very long time, that the box of chocolates he gave me yesterday is DIVINE. It had a chocolate covered marshmallow inside. How heavenly do you think that was? HEAVENLEEE!!

I love you dear boy. More than you can EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER know.

040/365

2009-02-09T22:17:00.002-05:00

I LOVE it when she lets me fix her hair like this!!!

039/365 Determined

2009-02-08T11:39:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to update my progress with my five goals. First, I would like to say that I don't see them as short term goals, I see myself having to really work on them. Well, most of them anyway.

1. Photography - As you may have seen, this one has not been a problem. I will say that it has not been easy, though. I love to take pictures. I love to find new things to capture. But, finding something new and interesting every single day can sometimes be tough.

2. Moving - This one has been a struggle. I'm not doing as much as I can. I have not been doing my best. This goal is what prompted today's photo.

I am determined to eat better. I tried shopping for some new clothes this week and WOW, that was depressing. It is for a lot of women, already. But to find attractive clothes in plus sizes is like trying to find a cute hairless cat. Ugh.

Hence the fruits and veggies. I really do like eating them but get lazy and find it easier and more exciting to eat a bunch of...to put it bluntly....CRAP. I don't have a weight goal. I learned a long time ago that watching the scale is not the best way to track your health. If I'm eating better, drinking less Dr. Pepper (this has gotten out of control lately) and walking more then I should notice a difference in my energy and the way my clothes fit. Easier said than done but we will get to that with number five.

3. Save - Oh my. Yeah. I might need to plead the fifth on this one. I'm not spending outrageously (i.e. - a lot of stuff I don't need). And I'm also careful about what I do buy. But, I'm still not saving and taking care of my money. Again, number five is getting a lot of attention in the next month.

4. Visit - I'm kind of cheating with this one. I already had my trip planned for a couple of months when I originally made this goal but I'm still counting it towards my "do unto others" theory. I'm flying to California this weekend to visit Cousin A and finally meet her babes!!! I'm also going to visit A and his parents. Should be a fun, interesting, and crazy 5 days. Stay tuned.

5. Stop Settling! - Oh, Brookie. What is it that I said when I made these goals? That I really do take the easy way? I have stepped outside of the box the past month or so. I joined eHarmony, again. That was a huge leap, seeing as though "someone" I met on there a few years ago bittered me towards the experience. But, I have an open mind about it this time. If something happens, great. If not, then I'm ok with that too.

As I said with number two, I'm not doing my best with that goal. And if I'm willing to not at least put in the effort, then I am settling with a body I am not happy with. Furthermore, if I'm not happy with my body, then I am not presenting myself to others the way I really want them to see me. Vicious cycle. Must focus!!!

In regards to saving, it is pretty much what I just said. I'm not doing my best. Settling with a struggle of having to make choices between being able to do the things I want, and having to say no when and if those opportunities present themselves.

Here's to more improvement, and doing my best!

038/365

2009-02-07T22:58:00.001-05:00

037/365

2009-02-06T18:18:00.001-05:00

036/365

2009-02-05T21:30:00.002-05:00

035/365

2009-02-04T21:06:00.002-05:00

033/365 and 034/365

2009-02-03T18:39:00.004-05:00

Whoops. Didn't realize that I forgot to post yesterday's photo!!!! Drew was yesterday and I did a self portrait again, for today.

Roy G. Biv 032/365

2009-02-01T19:22:00.005-05:00

I get bored easily, sometimes it can be good thing, other times a bad thing. In my current living situation, not so good. I am anxious for a change and there isn't much I can do in this ONE room to mix things up. I have two doors in my room. Why? Because my room is actually the dining room and one of the doors leads right in to the kitchen. It's a weird old house, but you would never guess it is a dining room without prior knowledge.

The layout of the room just does not work for me to be able to perform one of my favorite activities: re-arranging the furniture (Hi Dad!). It has been two years since I moved in and I am starting to get a little claustrophobic with things being the same in here. So today, I rearranged my books. Sounds like a small and insignificant change, but I like it.

So, here is the before:

And......after:

Arranging the books by color gives the shelves a bit of character and then placing the frames and other items along by color as well personalizes it all, for me. I think the organization also makes it look cleaner and less cluttered, even though I have put more than just books on the shelves.

I had planned on using the "after" shot as my 365, but I decided to go with a shot that was a little more visually interesting.

031/365

2009-01-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

030/365

2009-01-30T19:54:00.001-05:00

Heaven

2009-01-30T01:21:00.002-05:00

029/365

2009-01-29T18:22:00.001-05:00

Book Paradise 028/365

2009-01-28T14:30:00.012-05:00

I got a hair cut the other day and have been meaning to take a self portrait. So, we will just get that out of the way...I have more important things to talk about. This was my 365 photo for today.

Moving on. The thought behind that self portrait was a trip I took this morning. My roommate dangerously informed me of a book store downtown that is closing down after 75 years. The Book Exchange has always tempted me, but I had never gone in until today. I suppose the mathematics of that thought have multiplied in the population and caused the demise of the store.

After searching and perusing today, I find myself unsure as to whether or not I would have visited regularly. I almost hate to tell you this, but the place is a bit of a mess. A cute mess, but still. There is organization there; fiction, non-fiction, poetry, sci-fi, etc. But they seem to have just been thrown on to the shelves. So, I dug around for an hour looking to take the greatest advantage to their last ditch "bag of books for $10" deal.

TWO bags of books later, I got a crazy mix of old and new. This first book drew me in immediately with its dusty old pages that someone bound together in 1906. I haven't had a chance to really delve in to what this gentleman was recording, but I find his efforts beautiful.

After I filled the first bag and started on the second I slowly started running out of sections that were providing good product. I wasn't going to pay the $10 for a bag that was half full, so I started picking up books I otherwise might have left behind. A German book, bought mostly for the cover and the interesting font in a language I promise you I will never understand. A Spanish/English dictionary that I only bought because of that design addiction I mentioned a few days ago. Stacks of non-fiction books that I had to have because of the photography, the design, the artwork, the pure loveliness. And finally, books by authors I haven't read yet, never heard of or just plain caught my eye.

Rainy Day Stamping 027/365

2009-01-27T20:16:00.002-05:00

Buddy 026/365

2009-01-26T19:54:00.002-05:00

This is my buddy, Cooper. He is a little bundle of energy that could give the Sun a run for it's money. His mama is a dear friend of mine and I just have to give her a little shout out; I sure do love your sweet boy and think you are pretty damn cool yourself.

Weekend Project 025/365

2009-01-25T17:50:00.002-05:00

I spent the weekend working on this after seeing Natalie's new pink bedroom. I was so wrapped up in a painting frame of mind, I really wasn't thinking about taking any photos. So, when I finished the project, I figured I would just capture this as my daily photo.

024/365

2009-01-24T17:05:00.000-05:00

023/365

2009-01-23T17:57:00.002-05:00

022/365

2009-01-22T20:26:00.001-05:00

CLEAN. UP. YOUR. MESS!

Insight

2009-01-21T17:05:00.001-05:00

Where do I begin? This inspiration board is hanging just beside my bedroom door. I add things from time to time, when I need to be reminded of a person, place or event that is significant in my life. Or, just because it makes me happy. Starting from top right hand corner. (This is going to be a VERY long post.)

"A book is a present you can open again and again." This girl, riding on the magic carpet of words not only speaks to my overwhelming love of reading, but a small obsession with Mary Engelbreit. Her lively and colorful way of capturing the joy of life is so inspiring and heartwarming.

"Greetings From California" My homeland. California Poppies, an orange even I can love. The design and lettering, retro and fun. The beauty in each letter, showing nature and sights of a state I have not seen for a long time. But, I can't wait to capture just a small portion of her majesty, next month.

Red Hair - I've dug around and can't find the name and artist, for this piece. And I apologize for her state of undress, but the entirety of this painting (found on DeviantArt.com several years ago) brings me great joy. I adore her red hair, not every one can pull it off, and those who are born with it have such a natural beauty. I also love how she is lounging in a meadow, soaking in the spirit of nature around her.

Pepsi and Happy Bunny - I've always been a Pepsi person. Coke products are not for me, though by addiction to Dr. Pepper deserves its own post. When Mom and I went to New Bern, over the summer, we went to The Birthplace of Pepsi. I wanted a little souvenir, my t-shirt collection is out of control, so I was looking for something a bit more compact. I was immediately drawn to this postcard because of it's design and color. I have been craving design so much lately, I adore a vintage style and this was perfection.

As for the bunny. Well, this speaks to my obnoxious and naughty side. When I lived in Jacksonville, The Three Musketeers had a great love for anything Happy Bunny. We didn't really collect any products, but always got a kick out of what Happy Bunny was getting in to. This bunny was bought out of a vending machine and his full statement is "I like to watch people trip." Heh. He just reminds me of my fun and goofy friends.

Belles of Ireland and More Bunnies! - I inherited a flower gene, from my Mother. If you have ever seen my flickr account during springtime, you can witness how drawn I am to the color and shape of the botanical aspect of nature. I often have to remind myself to take a step back and see the bigger picture, with the camera at least. This seed packet is from an attempt to grow some flowers to peek through the fence in my yard. The mechanical part of bringing flowers in to the world has sometimes alluded me. This was no exception, I planted the seeds too late, and nothing ever sprouted. So, I kept the seed packet to remind me to try again.

Those are my Father's hands. He is holding two bunnies that we raised in the back yard of our Mira Loma, California home. Do I dare tell you the fate of my sweet furry friends? Well, they weren't the only animals on our ark. We had a pig, chickens, ducks and I want to say there was either a sheep or a goat. Along with the vegetable garden my Mom had filling our yard, we used all of this to add to our meals. The pig became pork chops, the chicken became...chicken. And the rabbits. Oh, I almost can't even type the words. They became Rabbit Pot Pie. I don't remember the actual consumption portion of the treachery, but I specifically remember the day my Mom told me about it. Apparently while we were eatingthe pot pie, we asked what we were having and she told us it was Chicken. Years later, we were talking about The Ark and the Garden and stories turned to the bunnies. The tears of laughter were plentiful when my family saw the look on my face when Mom told us the truth. I guess it could be thought of as morbid that I have a picture of these poor souls, but the picture reminds me of that great time living in my favorite home.

Hello, Calvin. You know him, you love him. I hope I don't have to tell you about him. I don't think I could pick one certain Calvin cartoon is my favorite, but this one is definitely in my Top Five. He tries, so hard all day. Sometimes making good choices, sometimes making bad choices. And at the end of the day, when he climbs in to bed with Hobbes he says, "You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help." and the best friend anyone has ever had in the world says, "Well, you've done all you can do."

Hanging on to the push pin just above Calvin, is a Ginkgo leaf. Again, it would be hard for me to pin down my absolute favorite tree, but the Ginkgo is in my Top Three. I brought this one home from my 31st birthday trip to Washington, D.C. Do I dare tell you that if I ever got a tattoo, it would be of a ginkgo leaf? I get bored so easily, I don't think I could ever be permanently stuck with something on my skin. Mom you can start breathing again.

I'm a fool for butterflies. Geez, could I sound any more girly? This cut out from a magazine reminds me of a trip from Northern California to visit family in Fresno. We were driving out of the mountains and every once in a while, a Monarch butterfly would glide past us. Then three would flutter, then twenty. I didn't learn anything about it until several years later, but we were driving right through their migration. It sounds like hyperbole, but it was one of the best things I have ever witnessed.

Cookies and oh my, more bunnies. Meditation and cookies, my friend Allison knows me well. This bunny was hiding in the bushes of a yard I walked by one day during a garden tour with Mom. I love it when something isn't obvious and in your face. It is so much more entertaining to stumble upon something and allow it to surprise you.

Goat. Baby. Oak. My best friends name is T Goat. I usually just call her Goat. Oddly enough, I share the same name. It is an unexplainable moniker. It just happened. One night, we were playing pool and one of us called the other one "Goat" and has just gone from there. I get such a kick out of having this inside "joke", but not a joke, with my very best G.

That little bug snug in a bear rug? That's little Carter, new as can be. It's the photo his Mama and Pop sent in his birth announcement, almost nine months ago. One of these days I'm going to get a good picture of the depiction of his nickname, Cardamom.

Oak. Also in my Top Three Trees. History, grandeur, beauty, GREEN. I'm not sure I could really put in to words my love for this tree. Just be thankful that I don't have a leaf from the Walnut Tree.

Walk On By. This photo not only speaks to all that is Goat, but my love of seeing the world through the viewfinder of the camera. One of my favorite rules of photography is composition. A photo with the subject at the center of the frame doesn't provide an insight to environment or add any interest. If you offset the frame and place the subject in the first or last third of the frame, you add a dimension to the photo that gives a more interesting perspective. So ends your lesson for the day.

Kool Aid Man. So, I introduced my brother Wade to the insanity that is Dane Cook. Cook has a bit about the Kool Aid Man, and having grown up on regular doses of the fruity nectar we found his "Oh YEAH!", quite hilarious. You had to be there. Wade sent this in a birthday card, a few months before he left on his mission. Having it on the board, gives me a chuckle when I miss him.

And, last but not least. One other bit of Mary Engelbreit. This is from a calender I had several years ago. Simply put, "The heart is the temple where in all truth resides."

In this post, I told you almost everything you will ever need to know about me, whether you realize it, or not. If you made it this far, you are a brave and probably bored soul. ;) Just kiddin'.

021/365

2009-01-21T14:04:00.002-05:00

020/365

2009-01-20T08:54:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know for many of you, this is not a significant amount of snow. But here in North Carolina, this is something to talk about. And, it is STILL snowing. See more here.

019/365 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

2009-01-19T18:31:00.008-05:00

I had been waiting all weekend for today's shot. The calendar had given me inspiration already and I was anticipating being able to stand in front of it.

I looked up the directions, bundled up and drove to the corner of Martin Luther King, Jr Blvd and Rock Quarry Road, in Raleigh. If I hadn't come to a stop light, I almost would have missed the Martin Luther King, Jr Memorial Gardens. To be sure, it is a small space for such a large man. But, it was touching to be able to spend a few moments remembering him on this day.

I wanted more. I wasn't sure what I would find, but I got back in the car and headed in to Downtown Raleigh. Struggling through a maze of police barricaded streets, I finally parked next to the Raleigh Convention Center and started walking, aimlessly. I had no goal, I just wanted to explore. I LOVE exploring, some of my favorite photos come from wandering.

More police directing traffic at every turn. I couldn't begin to figure out what could be going on. Again, I was not following any specific path, just taking the turns as I saw something I wanted to shoot. And then I realized what all of the buses parked on the side of the street were for.

They were marching from the State Capitol Building, down Fayetteville street. I had only come down this street I had already shot months before, because I was drawn to some lights on the side of a building. Inspiration brings great surprises.

I stood and watched. I listened to their happy voices sing. I witnessed their smiling faces. I found myself weeping. I caught eyes with a woman marching and whispered, "This is beautiful." "Yes," she said, "it IS beautiful." She marched on.

I will not pretend to know how these people felt, on this day, remembering the man who helped ignite a fire that is now shining for the whole world. But, I will tell you that I can feel it's warmth. Tomorrow, I hope you can feel it too.

018/365

2009-01-18T17:26:00.001-05:00

017/365

2009-01-17T14:01:00.002-05:00

Not feeling well today and with the weather so frightful, I couldn't make it past the deck. Thankfully the Sycamore tree outside was feeling generous.

016/365

2009-01-16T16:53:00.003-05:00

I am feeling very uninspired. But, I am determined to do 365 consecutive days of this project. So if I have to take a picture of a cat, or the hood of my car, or a play doh snail from time to time to get that done, so be it. Three day weekend starting tomorrow, in which I will not be surrounded by nothing but toys. Expect a more mature theme, for the next few days.

015/365

2009-01-15T19:06:00.003-05:00

014/365

2009-01-14T13:07:00.003-05:00

brooke nicole photography

2009-01-13T20:18:00.006-05:00

Have you met my Sister-In-Law, Jeni? Some of you may not have had the opportunity, so let me introduce you to her.....

That's Jeni, holding her son (and my nephew) Carter. So here's the thing: Jeni knows things. Things I can't wrap my brain around. She knows how to design and create some cute stuff in photoshop and offered to create something for ME. How could I pass that up? Couldn't.

So, when she offered to create a logo for my photography business, I knew I was going to be very excited. So, when I got this in my inbox:

Well, I was thrilled! Thank you Jeni, for your patience and creativity!

If you click on Jeni and Carter's picture up there, it will take you to my new flickr page, just for portraits I've done. I look forward to many more opportunities to find fun moments with families in photos and would be happy to hear from you, if you would like to capture some memories of YOUR family!

013/365

2009-01-13T18:51:00.003-05:00

Day two of sick children. This is after naps and I have officially started to lose my mind, thanks to Stir Crazy Disease. Drew asked to play "Da Go Go" (I have no idea what the products real name is), so I figured I should go ahead and kill two birds with one stone. My 365 shot and the self portrait tuesday shot. Woo. Hoo. More exciting news after I eat my dinner.

012/365

2009-01-12T19:34:00.002-05:00

Stuck inside with sick little ones. This was as exciting as it got.
Only other option, taking a picture of the TV.

011/365

2009-01-11T14:34:00.001-05:00

Oh, how I do love these little guys.

Six Months of Separation

2009-01-11T11:08:00.007-05:00

At 11:08am, on July 11, 2008, this fabulous bundle of boy became a new fixture of joy in the world. This is the first moment I held him. The first moment I took in the beauty of his being. You cannot see them, but my dear Mother and my dearest friend are standing by me. I cannot thank them enough for being a part of that experience.

This, is said darling boy being cute as he can be, lounging in his car seat while I share some musical magic with him. We are together at for a time I never expected to be granted. His head moves to the music, his hands open and close, showing me that he remembers hearing these notes singing to him, right outside his watery room. Days later, I weep, because I forgot to kiss him one last time.

I have started to leave the building, and I can hear her weeping, too. Behind me, the couple I chose with a full heart to be his Mother and Father, have found a bit of peace during a stormy season. Days later, they will fly him to my homeland, a few short miles from where I was born, to be raised with a foundation I could not build.

So grown up, yet still small enough for me to wrap my arms around and give those kisses that time has stolen from us. Dapper and oh, so strong he is showing me what I can look forward to one month from now. I have watched him change from newborn to infant. Quiet boy who steals your heart with a smile, even though he's only tooting,grows in to a chatty adventurer who laughs like the sun is shining at night. In pictures, he has transformed before my eyes. In pictures, my heart has stitched itself back up, finding acceptance that all is well. He is home.

Today, I am scared, elated, nervous, impatient, apprehensive, confused, sad and happy all at the same time. If I allow myself more than a second of time to pass in thoughts of traveling through the sky to see him again, I get lost. I am no longer sitting, in a chair, in a room. I am floating, in a panic, in my heart. These six months, I have wanted nothing more than to hold him again, while he is still a baby. And now, as that dream is so close to becoming a reality, and I am being forced to face that reality, I am entering uncharted territory. Like the first day at a new school, I am not in control, I have no way of knowing what will happen.

That is not entirely true. I know a few things that will happen: I will cry, I will smile. I will say thank you, I will say I love you forever. I will smell his skin, I will feel his heart beat. I will leave, I will cry.

010/365

2009-01-10T19:34:00.002-05:00

009/365

2009-01-09T20:14:00.002-05:00

I think beyond the fact that Winter brings with her temperatures lower than my body would prefer, is the desolate state in which she leaves my trees. Green isn't my favorite color for some silly girlish reason. I NEED green. I need the blades of grass, the tiny leaves lacing on bushes, the needles cascading on pine trees. I need the sign of life around me.

The bright moments nature provides me during winter. Allowing some of her bounty to remain verdant, so I can hold on until she showers me with spring.

008/365

2009-01-08T15:19:00.000-05:00

007/365

2009-01-07T14:14:00.002-05:00

Listening to Jessie Harris' album "Feel" and Snow Patrol's "A Hundred Million Suns".

I've been wanting to get a shot of this guy for quite a while. I drive by him almost daily and when I walked down to see him today, everyone driving by kept looking around trying to figure out what I was shooting. I don't think many people notice him. He sits atop a sign on an abandoned building that is for sale, and someone walking by asked if I was looking to buy. "Nope, I just like the gnome."

006/365

2009-01-06T15:08:00.002-05:00

I was going to attempt a self portrait today. This is as close as I got.

005/365

2009-01-05T13:25:00.001-05:00

004/365

2009-01-04T18:05:00.001-05:00

003/365

2009-01-03T10:58:00.001-05:00

002/365

2009-01-02T10:51:00.001-05:00

001/365

2009-01-01T10:05:00.002-05:00

Lofty Goals

2008-12-29T19:42:00.005-05:00

I'm not a NYR. New Year's Resolutioner. I made that up myself. Brilliant, I know. So here's the thing. I've never done it before and I'm not where I want to be, so what the heck can it hurt. Also, to further be self destructive, I will point out that when I make a goal* it generally has the opposite effect. Yeah, another thing I need to change.

Think. Positive. Thoughts. Maybe that should be my mantra this year. Ok, yeah, we're going with that. (Bear with me, this is going to be a somewhat rambling post, I'm thinking out loud here.)

*As opposed to "resolutions", I'm going to work towards "goals". I want to accomplish things, not necessarily change things. Those things that NEED changing will hopefully work themselves out while I am making the effort to learn, grow, and build a better foundation.

Here we go:

1. A PHOTO a DAY.
I've got this nice new camera. I want to branch out and use it for more than just for fun. I'm not 100% ready to do that, so I need more practice. I am going to try to post a photo a day to my flickr account (and here if I can). I've joined a 365 Group on flickr and am going to try their scavenger hunt (which will help with daily subjects). I'm pretty excited about this goal. It's a fun goal and it will be motivating to work towards completing something that I really enjoy.

2. MOVE
No, I'm not jumping again. Though you could say that this whole post is one big emotional/spiritual jump. I don't do "working out". I'm not a gym person, I don't have the discipline to say "I will work out 4 days a week!!!!" I do have the discipline to say, I'm going to take more walks, visit more trails, get up off the couch more. I think Goal #1 dovetails in to this one pretty well.

{Sidebar}

I went to Eno River State Park, yesterday, and found myself a little surprised at how happy it made me to be on a bit of adventure. Climbing these trails, enjoying the weather, the outdoors. I mean, it had me thinking of going camping.....there must have been something in the air. The photos were fun to take, while I was having fun moving. See the pattern?

{/Sidebar}

3. SAVE, Already!
This is a tough one. I did not inherit the saving gene from my parents. I am the definition of "burning a hole in your pocket". But, again, I'm not where I want to be and the only thing that will change that is doing something. So, I am going to save. We're not talking beans and rice here, we're talking baby steps. I'm going to do what I can. If I overextend myself, I am defeating the goal before I even start.

4. Visit, YOU.
I miss my family. All of them. It hurts my OWN feelings that I've never met Maggie and BW. I've never seen where JJ&C live. I want to visit C&C's home. I want to spend time with my Granny, without her having to endure the trip across the country. I want to go back to Portland and enjoy it without a 104 degree fever, and visit Allegra's beautiful home on the coast. I want to make more effort to spend time with the people I love. Here's the thing: this one doesn't dovetail so well with #3. But, I want to make an effort. I want to do WHAT I CAN. You know the saying, "Do Unto Others...".

5. STOP settling.
I am settler. No, I'm wasn't a pioneer or a wagon puller. I settle for the way things are. As much as it hurt to hear, as the truth usually does, I have a bad habit for "taking the easy way." Say it with me "I'm not where I want to be, so...". This one may sound a bit on the general side but if I use it as Mantra B, those baby steps will turn in to grown up steps.

Again, I don't want to over extend myself. I know my limits. Five is a good number. These are strong goals, something I can be proud of, a year from now. And you know what? It is ok to fail, because I am not perfect. It is ok to fail, as long as you get back up and keep trying.

Christmas Evening

2008-12-25T21:13:00.012-05:00

Well, I have been a good American citizen, and ate like a pig today. The height of first world complaints, I am stuffed. Mom, Dad and I had a great day. We moved at a slow pace (sometimes to our stomach's dismay) and enjoyed our time together.

We did dinner a little differently, this year. Dad prepared a whole ham, instead of the pre-cooked kind we have had before. He got up this morning and made a honey-brown sugar glaze, and the ham started it's slow roast to deliciousness after breakfast. Behold the pork goodness.

Usually, our vegetable of choice is the tried and true Green Been Casserole. But again, we were mixing things up, so we decided on Creamed Spinach. None of us were brave enough to attempt making it from scratch, so we decide to buy it pre-made. There was no Boston Market brand to be found in the stores, but I lucked out again at Trader Joe's. For some reason creamed spinach does not have the most appetizing presentation...but it was very tasty.

Behold, Funeral Potatoes. Though they bear an unfortunate name and recipes really vary from person to person, they are some serious taste-ations.

By special request, I was able to partake in one of the heavenly parts of life. Bread, Bundt Bread. I don't know where Mom got the recipe (though I could go downstairs and ask her), but it is one of my all time favorite breads. Buttery, crispy outside. Soft, lovely inside. Please do not attempt to eat your monitor/screen.

As I mentioned, dinner came together very slowly. We were all pretty hungry by the time we sat down to eat. No sooner than we had a chance to look at the spread on the table before us, the phone rang. Wade called from his mission!! We had been waiting all day to talk to him, postponed our annual Christmas Movie Outing, so we wouldn't miss the chance to speak with him and he called right as we were about to eat. So, Mom put him on speaker phone and we talked to him throughout the meal, dishes afterwards and closed out the conversation while enjoying a post meal relaxation on the couch. It was great to hear his voice, which strangely sounds like Clarke more and more every day.

Mom and Dad talked to Clarke for a while this morning and we are all anxious to have him back home from Afghanistan. We've been thinking about spending next Christmas out in Salt Lake City with him and his wife Carrie. If we are lucky enough, and the weather is nice enough (Utahns are "enjoying" the ultimate White Christmas this year) James and his family might be able to join us for some of the festivities.

James called this morning to share the excitement of Carter's first Christmas. They sent a video of Carter enjoying his first experiences with unwrapping presents and riding his new rocking horse. What a great treat to be able to have the opportunity to live in a day and age where we are able to share in their day, like that.

Our evening was spent napping, snacking and desserting. In other words, generally enjoying our quiet happy day. I hope you all had a wonderful day. Merry Christmas.

Christmas Morning

2008-12-25T11:44:00.012-05:00

Wade, James and Clarke: I want you to know how much I miss you today. It was great fun to spend Christmas morning with Mom and Dad and I know you are all living wonderful full lives out in the world, but I missed having you here with us. Pulling candy out of our stockings, eternal surprise that there is and always will be an orange at the toe. Taking turns opening presents, excited to see what everyone got. And last but not least, watching Mom and Dad feign surprise with Oscar worthy abandon, at their gifts to and from one another.

This year, the package was labeled "To Lori, From Jim" AND "To Jim, From Lori". I knew trouble was brewing. I asked who was going to open the present and Dad kept saying, "We will each open the half we bought for the other". Those two! Behold, I think this is one of their best/worst performances ever:

Mom told me a couple of weeks ago, that she had a wild idea to make me a gift this year. She had already given me something as a combined Birthday/Christmas gift, from both of them, so I certainly wasn't expecting her to make something. She said that she had a battle with it and she "wasn't going to let it defeat her". Way to build up suspense!!! I must say, it was BEYOND worth the wait. I am so proud of her work and so touched at the love and thought behind the gift. I have to say, this might be one of the best gifts I've ever received.

No holiday is complete without our special breakfast. This year had a twist with the absence of sausage, but bacon came in to save the day. Yum!

I've been on a flower arranging kick, of late. Couldn't stop myself and went ahead and brought some antique vases with me to, as Dad would say, bring on the Fufu. I would really like to find a flower market, where I can select flowers instead of buying pre-made bouquets at the store. I've been really lucky at Trader Joe's with such a great selection, but now that I'm going crazy with doing this, I want to try some new arrangements.

I hope all of you had a very happy Christmas morning. There is still lots of food to be eaten, so I will be back later today to share more.

Christmas Cookie Throwdown of 2008

2008-12-24T21:52:00.009-05:00

It's that time of year. Presents under the tree, a chill in the air, twinkling lights and....

The Patterson Family
Annual Cookie Decorating Throwdown

I now present you with your 2008 Entries, eligible for voting immediately:

Even if you're lurking, having never commented on this blog before, please feel free to vote for your favorite. Not only do the three contenders want a fair competition, I would love to hear from those of you who are out there silently reading ;). Yes, that means YOU!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

{more to come later}

Lori Jean

2008-12-18T00:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Mom,

On this day, all those years ago, a butterfly’s wings fluttered in to the world and set in a motion a life that so many people hold dear. Oh, how lucky we all are.

I look at pictures of you as a young girl and see the sweet person that you have been at every moment I’ve known you. I have never known you to speak an ugly word about another person. Even those at their worst still receive a tender touch in your mind’s eye. You hold the faults of others as a reminder of how to be better, yourself. Never sharing the burden of their defect of character, moments of poor choices or life’s every day fumbles with the world. I appreciate being able to know the people in my life with the beauty you share with me.

Your love for your children is evident in a way I cannot begin to share with everyone. The example you set for your daughter and three sons, showing us how to love, respect and educate those around us. The joy in your voice when you hear the good news of our accomplishments and the forward paths of our lives is a touchstone. And, even in those moments where we falter on that path, stalling or dropping anchor, you are a light on the shore ensuring we know that there is always a rock for us to climb upon.

I am more proud than I can say that I have parents with a continuing loving relationship, filled with respect and support for one another. To hear Dad speak of his love for you is more than my heart can bear. To watch you still hold hands after 33 years of marriage is a gift you give your four children every day.

You have given us many gifts in your 32 years as a parent. The tangible ones, always given with much thought and care. But, I feel safe I can speak for my brothers when I say that the gifts we hold most dear are the priceless talents you have shared with us. Your love of travel; taking us on trips around the country, showing us sites and scenes many people take for granted or have never even seen. Your love of history; sure, we may have scoffed at playing that Constitution game from time to time. But, as children do, we grew to appreciate and share the love you have for our Country and its rich history. Your passion for nature and gardening; it is such a pleasure to arrive at your home and see all of your hard work growing and blossoming because of your efforts. Your yearning for knowledge; always reading, researching, seeking for better understanding and greater information. Your faith; such a peaceful part of life to witness your comfort in knowing that there is a Heavenly Father that knows us and will guide us in our lives.

Personally, I want you to know that no matter where I am in my life I will always love and cherish my friendship with you. Though I may not always take the path you would like for me to take, I want you to know how grateful I am that you still support me and love me. This year has been one that I have burdened your heart more than anyone should have to bear. For that, I want you to know that I am sorry. But, I also want you to know that your support was a lifesaver in a very deep, dark ocean. I would not have made it to the other side without you.

I love you. That’s all I have to say about that.

Always, Brooke Nicole

Everything Cookies

2008-12-14T18:50:00.010-05:00

I was invited to my first cookie exchange and have been spending all week trying to figure out what I was going to take. My favorite cookie is a chocolate chip by Nestlé Tou lehouse. But, you can't show up with a simple, every day (although supremely delicious) cookie.

Finally, I realized that I had a resource right at my fingertips the entire time. I visit The Pioneer Woman several times a day. I would say there isn't a part of her site I don't enjoy, but I just don't get basset hounds. They aren't my forte. But, her cooking section? The pictures make you want to lick your screen in hopes of just a nibble of the mashed potatoes, a whiff of the tenderloin, or a handful of Hyacinth's Everything Cookies.

So, I borrowed the recipe and was Pioneer Woman for the afternoon. Cooking and taking pictures of the process. If you're running late and have never made the recipe before, I don't recommend trying to live up to PW's standards.

I don't usually like dried (or fresh for that matter) apricots but they were tasty as part of the cookie. You could probably use dried pineapple as a substitute, if desired.

Pecans? I like walnuts better. But (my Mom will laugh at this) I have a hard time straying when I'm given directions. I do as I'm told (depending on my mood, haha).

Have you ever seen eggs stamped with their expiration date? I haven't...weird.

4 eggs....4 cups of flour...this is a big recipe! I made the required 3 dozen for the party and still had about 4 cups of dough left over.

When making chocolate chip cookies*, this is the point I start eating the batter, right out of the mixing bow. Yes, I am one of those people. I didn't this time, since I was sharing with strangers.

Ready for the oven. I didn't have to worry about what size to make them, because I could tell I had plenty of dough. Nothing is worse than a tiny little cookie with a bunch of stuff packed in there.

Let's Eat!!!!!!

*ps: When I make the nestle toll house cookies, this is one instance I DO NOT follow the directions. I like a chewy cookie, and two eggs makes them a bit too crunchy for my taste. I just use one.

A Week of Sleep

2008-12-08T12:59:00.013-05:00

It went great. I learned a lot from preparing for and participating in the Art Show, yesterday. As tired as I am, it was motivating to have at least stuck my foot in the water of getting my photos out there.

I kept meaning to take pictures of the war zone that my room had turned in to, but really, it's for the best that the entire internet misses out on that. Then, I meant to take a picture of everything loaded in to my car, but I hadn't gotten to bed until 3 am for two nights in a row, so I was lucky to be dressed in matching clothes.

But, one of the many "just in cases" was a vase of flowers. I wasn't sure when I decided to make an arrangement that I would actually have room for them on the table. I was even less sure about transporting them to the show. But, of course, I had to get a few pictures of them:

So, I completed everything on my To Do list except for practicing my table layout. Even if I had, it would have become obsolete because of the space I utilized at the show allowed me to take advantage of some existing surfaces. Here's what my set up looked like:

I shared the room with my friend Janice, who makes beautiful kids items. She finds the most beautiful fabrics and turns them in to some of the snuggliest blankets, toys and cuddlies that I've ever seen. I want one of everything.

There were several other ladies there, selling their amazing handmade items. I bought something from both of the jewelers and if Nat didn't lose hair bows like some people lose their keys, I would have bought 29 of those cute things. Oh, and that mirror in the bottom picture? The square one with the white circles (they are actually handmade pinch pots)? I want that too.

But for now, I'll just take a week of sleep.

P.S. Big thank you to EVERYONE who came out and showed their support.

Half Way There

2008-12-03T18:00:00.007-05:00

Am I going to make it to Sunday? I'm not sure how people who make their living selling at art shows do it. I'm sure there is a sense of stability once you have established your process and have removed the details from the To Do list.

As you can see, I've checked a few things off my list. But, some of those at the bottom were added on throughout the day as I realized more that needed to be done. The biggest project today was getting the 'storyboard' done for the portrait side of my new busy-ness.

I bought some letter cut-outs from the scrap book supply section at the craft store and let me just say, I can see how scrapbooking can become addictive (hella cute stuff). Of note, the package declared that upon opening I would rececive "2 complete alphabets & an extra set of vowels". Full of hooey, those people are. I have completely lost track of what was missing (my brain is on reserve energy power) but I promise, it was confusing getting them all figured out.

Moving on! The set also came with these cute little do-dads and it was the result of a lot of self-control that I didn't cover the story board with them.

I got the story board done, bought fabric to make a table cloth (would have been too easy to just BUY ONE) and got almost all of the prints priced (except for that one I ruined, good thing I had an extra 5x7 mat!). It's only 6:10pm, I might just get to bed before midnight if I allow myself to finish the other half of the to do list by Saturday. Heh.

This, That, & the Other

2008-12-01T13:37:00.008-05:00

Ok, I've been a crazy woman for the past month or so. I've been doing family portraits pretty regularly and have been trying to prep for an Art Show (MY FIRST) coming up on Sunday.

Spent Thanksgiving at my parents house, and my Cousin Ry & his lovely wife Steph joined us. We had a great day and though "The Boys" are far from home, it was nice to have a chance to hang out with family. Clarke called from Afghanistan just as we were finishing the meal, so Mom got out of dish duty. Which really, she did so much to get ready, we would have pushed her out of the kitchen anyway.

(for mom)

Went to the movies, instead of shopping, on Black Friday. Saw "Australia" and I've been fighting the urge to go see it again, I loved it that much. Worked on getting some computer things figured out for Mom and tried to make sure that the printer Dad was giving me would work for my photos.

On my way back to Durham on Saturday, Steph called and invited me up to Weldon. So, I stopped in Durham, picked up what I needed to get all of my prints ready and headed up to my weekend Art Retreat. I pretty much took over their dining room.

printing up a storm on the fabulous life saver printer

cutting, mating, taping, signing, bagging

the finished product!!!

So, I've got some more to do before I'm fully ready for the Art Show. But, it is a huge relief to have all of the prints done! I told Ry & Steph that I never would have gotten that much done at home, alone. I would have given up half way through and watched a movie. Feeling like I needed to make sure I was done before I went home was a great motivator.

I promise to fill you all (all 4 of you!) in on how the Art Show goes. Thanks for all of your support!

What Now?

2008-11-18T21:51:00.003-05:00

It is difficult to put in to words just how happy I am about the newest addition to my life. As my Mom said, say hello to my new best friend.

I have been doing a lot of portrait sessions, lately. I couldn't show up with a point and shoot and had been borrowing a D80 from a friend. I was beginning to feel like a mooch, so I started looking in to buying my own. Because of a beyond generous contribution from The Mom and Dad Are Yet Again Awesome Foundation, I was able to welcome my new friend to the family last night.

I have another portrait session this weekend, I've had calling cards printed up and I'm participating in an Art Party in early December where I will be selling some of my photos. So. Excited. So. Busy.

Dear Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida:

2008-11-06T14:30:00.002-05:00

You have broken my heart. The fact that you seek to deny love to those who wish to multiply it, is unforgivable. The fact that you deny children a safe haven in a loving home, with parents who dearly want to give love, is unforgivable.

The fact that you made the effort to mark a box, effectively saying "I choose to deny others to have the same rights and opportunities as I do" makes me sad. For a short moment, there was light that the world had changed, and then you checked that box, exchanging one discrimination for another.

There was a moment I thought I could go back to church. After seeing the efforts made to bring this to pass, to consider myself a part of such would tear at the fabric of who I am.

Yes. We. Did.

2008-11-05T12:22:00.004-05:00

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Senator McCain.

Senator McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he's fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I congratulate him; I congratulate Governor Palin for all that they've achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation's next first lady Michelle Obama.

Sasha and Malia I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the new White House.

And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother's watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight. I know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my sister Maya, my sister Alma, all my other brothers and sisters, thank you so much for all the support that you've given me. I am grateful to them.

And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best -- the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America.

To my chief strategist David Axelrod who's been a partner with me every step of the way.

To the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause.

It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep.

It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth.

This is your victory.

And I know you didn't do this just to win an election. And I know you didn't do it for me.

You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime -- two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us.

There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after the children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage or pay their doctors' bills or save enough for their child's college education.

There's new energy to harness, new jobs to be created, new schools to build, and threats to meet, alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there.

I promise you, we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can't solve every problem.

But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it's been done in America for 221 years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter cannot end on this autumn night.

This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were.

It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other.

Let us remember that, if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers.

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.

Let's remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity.

Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.

And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

To those -- to those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope.

That's the true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can be perfected. What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight's about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing: Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons -- because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin. And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America -- the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can. At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can. When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs, a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that "We Shall Overcome." Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination.

And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change.

Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves -- if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

Halloween Par-tay

2008-10-26T12:34:00.007-04:00

Over the summer, I showed you photos from the photo shoot with my brother and his darling family. I consider that my first attempt at doing some professional photography. Yesterday, I stepped even further in to the field. A friend asked me to come and take photos at her annual Halloween party. It was a great treat to see all of the little ones that I see everyday, dressed in their Halloween best. Here are a few of my favorites.

It's MY blog...

2008-10-21T09:35:00.002-04:00

I can say Happy Birthday, to myself if I want to.

Helllllooo, Costco cake. I've been dreaming of you, literally. Thanks to Mom and Dad for a GREAT day at the fair yesterday (pics on flicrk as usual). I love you, tons.

Smart Boy

2008-10-19T23:11:00.002-04:00

Maine Is For Lovers

2008-10-17T08:49:00.003-04:00

And loggers, and fisherman. And, Ray Lamontagne.

Ray gave a beautiful show last night. It is amazing to me that he is so shy yet can sing with such passion. He graced us with three encores and though he didn't sing my favorite song, it was a joy to hear all of the old stuff and be excited by the new. His new songs seem so much happier, of which I am glad.

Here is Ray doing the second song of the third encore, Jolene. It was followed by the last song of the evening, All the Wild Horses. Amazing.

We Walked...

2008-10-13T22:26:00.003-04:00

And walked, aaannnddd walked.

Oh, I went to Boston, last week, with my fam. Mom, Dad and Granny. Great times had by all. "Recalculating route" was the theme to the week. A blessing and a curse, that phone GPS. Apparently, big tall buildings block that pesky satellite from keeping up with us.

Moving on. I had been to Boston during my senior year of high school and loved every second. I was excited to spend more time, being able to see some of the same things and lots of new. Harvard, Concord, Walden Pond, historic sites, and my latest obsession: cemeteries.

I took over 1,500 pictures during our five days there. I managed to weed through those and find 470 some to post on flickr. I'm not even going to attempt to consolidate my favorites. I'm just going to post one and give you the link to my flickr page.

Of all the photos I took, this one may seem strange, to be my favorite. But, I knew when I snapped it, that it would mean the most for some reason. I think, maybe, because I felt such a connection at Walden Pond. I find such comfort in being in a place where others have lived, and found themselves. I suppose it is because I am still waiting for that, myself. But, this plant growing where Thoreau chose to find time and space to himself, has locked itself in my mind.

Sometimes, this is all you can do...

2008-10-07T23:44:00.003-04:00

This is Mikey. He is my brother's brother-in-law.

This is a link to his website. Please read, and help if you can.

Notes

2008-10-02T13:05:00.003-04:00

-I need a mood stabilizer. The grumps are back and I'm having a hard time with them. They aren't related to anything, except the moody side of my personality.

-Going back to Boston, this weekend, 15 years after my first visit. Very, very excited. Here's to hoping the camera can keep up with me.

-This cool weather has me convince that I have S.A.D., I can't stop thinking about Winter being on it's way and how miserable it will be.

-Here's a new video of Mr. Boy, himself.

The Super Cuteness

2008-09-28T22:15:00.004-04:00

I went to visit my cousin Ryan and his wife Stephanie, this weekend. They just moved to a little town named Weldon and can I just tell you, super cute. I look forward to going back and seeing more.

Cleaning House

2008-09-21T16:56:00.003-04:00

Oh my, I had a lot of junk to get rid of today. The cool weather making it's way in to my wardrobe forced me to take my long sleeves and pants out of storage. So, I pulled all of the containers out and cleaned out those items I hadn't worn in a while. You know they say, "If you haven't worn it in the past year, get rid of it." I also had to get rid of some clothes that I love, but can't wear anymore. It's great that they are too big, but it's hard to find cute clothes in my size and it stinks to have to admit that they need to go.

So, I donated 22 shirts, 8 pairs of pants, 6 pairs of shorts, 4 sweatshirts/coats, 6 skirts and 9 pairs of shoes. Ugh. Painful to see all of it go, but I think that means I get to restock. Right?

Busy, Great, Happy Day

2008-09-20T23:11:00.002-04:00

Cousin Ryan and his lovely wife, Stephanie, came down to spend the day and we were busy little bees.

Coffee/Hot Chocolate at Bean Traders
Bennett Place
Music Store tour of Durham, with a purchase of one keyboard
Lunch/Brunch, burgers, omeletes and breakfast burritos at Alivia's
CenterFest
Walking tour of Trinity Park neighborhood
An introduction to The Streets at Southpoint Mall
Cheesecake Factory
Burn After Reading

A great way to start Fall! Random pictures of our day over on flickr.

Soothe My Soul

2008-09-19T21:36:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if I have communicated my need for music. I cannot survive a day in my life without music around me. This man, is like water and air. His words find places inside of me that I didn't know needed healing. I will be in his presence on October 16th, and it is my 32nd birthday present to myself. A cleansing and blessing I have needed for so long.

Pardon Me

2008-09-18T14:03:00.004-04:00

While I interrupt you. I can't help it. That's not true, you can help every bad habit you have. As an ex said, "you can, you just CHOOSE not to." Fair enough.

I would like to invite you to enjoy a list of my bad habits:

- I leave dishes to soak in the sink for too long (days).
- I have no self control, when it comes to going to bed. I will just keep farting around until I feel like I am about to pass out.
- I get bored entirely too easily. This is also why I am not allowed to have a pet.
- I smoke, even though my lungs seem a bit more sensitive than my enjoyment allows for.
- I think of something while the other person is talking, in conversation, and immediately open my big fat mouth to share my anecdote.
- I am impatient.
- I still sleep with a stuffed animal (that I DID NOT steal from my then 18 month old brother).
- I get a little too worried about those in traffic around me. If someone passes me, I'll get offended that they think I wasn't going fast enough for them. Crazy? I know. Trust me, I KNOW.
- I speed way too often.
- I am horrible at keeping track of money. With my math skills, it's a miracle I can keep a relative balance of my checking account in my head.
- I bite the inside of the corner of my mouth when I don't even realize and usually end up in pain.
- I spend WAY too much time on my computer. Half the time I'm refreshing websites I was just on five minutes before. (laptops are fruits of the devil)
- I don't play one-on-one with the kids as much as I should. They are amazing at independent play and I really should stop depending on that so much.
- I only make my bed once in a blue moon. Train of thought: why would I make something that no one is going to see, and that I'm going to get right back in 15 hours from now?
- I don't really like my roommates cats, so when she goes out of town and asks me to give one of them medicine, I don't really work to hard at actually doing it. Horrible, I know. (yet another reason why I can't have pets)
- I often have a hard time finding the positive side to a situation. If I have any negative issues going on, I tend to dwell a bit too much before allowing myself to be more open minded.
- Many people won't believe this, but I can be a bit shy. It usually takes me half way through an event to be comfortable enough to mingle and socialize with the crowd/guests.
- I don't know when to shut up. I tend to ramble.
- In a strange balance: I don't care what other people think and worry too much about what people think.

Oh, right. I'm shutting up now.

P.S. (last one, I LOVE to cuss. That is a tough one.)

Balance

2008-09-12T08:32:00.002-04:00

I mentioned my need for balance, the other day. It has always been an integral part of how I cope with every aspect of life. Good times and bad, I find great comfort in knowing that all sides are being met, every person is being treated fairly and chaos is kept at a minimum. The scales weighing evenly enough that I don't fall off.

Many people don't believe in astrology, and I don't hold it as a conviction, but I believe there certainly are some interesting points. Take me, a Libra, for example:

Diplomatic / compromising, however possibly manipulative
Cooperative
Fair / balanced / impartial
Idealistic (in relationships)
Charming
Easy-going / sociable
Indecisive / changeable
Peace loving
Gullible / easily influenced
Elegant / graceful
Refined / artistic / good taste, Pleasure oriented
Gentle
Sensitive to others
Kind, Cheerful, Romantic
Flirty / frivolous, however loyal in marriage

Likes Fairness • Equality • Harmony • Beauty • Justice
Dislikes Cruelty • Offensive Behavior • Conflict and Discord
Vulgarity and Coarseness • Injustice

I've highlighted some of the characteristics that I know are a part of my personality. Sure, a lot of the others are absolutely a part of how I behave, interact and evaluate, but they aren't consistent. I'm not always kind, I don't believe I'm manipulative in relationships and well, I have trouble cooperating sometimes.

Which brings me to that part about being graceful. It's what got me thinking about all of this. I have fallen, literally on the floor, no less than three times in the past month. Balance being thrown off, looking up and seeing the scales of gravity smiling down on me. I fell off a sidewalk, in the middle of a parking lot, and walking in to a restaurant. Twisted my ankle, bruised my knees and yelled out a cuss word for all of those enjoying their dinner to hear.

Though this past year has taught me a lot about myself, it is evident that I still have a long way to go. I have so much to work on and it's obvious that there is something I'm missing. The universe is trying to knock some sense in to me and apparently it feels throwing me off balance is the next step. I need a gravity life vest until I figure it out.

Winston Churchill

2008-09-10T22:27:00.006-04:00

"Never, never, never give up."

How Freudian that I just deleted a question mark from the end of that quote. It actually goes like this:

"This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."

Either way, I'm having a little trouble really hearing him right now. Oh, I'm listening. He's got a big billboard of himself chanting to me on the side of the road. But, it's just not working.

I've taken a few steps back. Revisiting those wonderful stages of grief, landing gracefully back in Anger. While writing an email to my best friend the other day, I found myself using the word "hate" no less than twelve times. Not so good. And that was before I got the wind knocked out of my sails.

I do not enjoy confusion, complication and tension. They throw my Libran sense of balance in to a destructive tailspin. While I yearn for freedom and spontaneity in my life, I also need a clear path ahead of me, a relative awareness that all is as it should be. The path does not need to be make of solid concrete, but if there are potholes, at least give me a rope to hold on to.

Cryptic enough for you? I 'm just struggling with finding my way in this post Z world. One day I think I can see a few feet ahead on that path, and then all of a sudden one of those potholes sucks me in. And there is no rope. The "talking about it" rope doesn't work. The "avoiding it" rope is a little frayed. The "move on" rope has thorns in it. The "close the door" rope seems so final and honestly, a bit callous.

I would so enjoy a soft chenille rope to wrap itself around me and just hold me. Give me a big hug and not expect anything from me. Silent, constant, unconditional, true. I want someone to understand me.

Addicted

2008-09-07T23:37:00.009-04:00

James, Jeni and Carter came to visit this week. They asked me to take some pictures, for a family portrait. I mentioned this to a friend and she offered her camera and I cannot tell you how glad I am, that she was so gracious. I'm hooked. Here's why...

Low On Fuel

2008-09-03T00:10:00.003-04:00

I'm not feeling very motivated these days. Though I have a lot going on in my head, some of which wants to come out, I'm just not finding inspiration.

I have some things I want to say, but am having trouble finding the right way to express myself clearly. My roommate gave me a gift certificate for a massage, which I'm going to be using tomorrow. Maybe that will release some toxins, in more ways than one. We'll see.

Six Weeks Old

2008-08-29T08:42:00.001-04:00

1000 Words

2008-08-25T22:30:00.005-04:00

Obviously, I did not take this picture. But, when I scanned it this weekend, while digging through old family photos, I knew it needed a few words.

This is Ryan and me at my Junior Prom, 1993. Ryan is a year younger than me and I had a crush on him from the minute I saw him. He was my seminary teacher's younger brother. I remember him being pretty quiet, but not shy. Had a fun sense of humor and as with all of my crushes, I idiotically followed him everywhere I could. Oh, I'm embarassed just thinking about it. But thankfully, he was just clueless enough to my shenanigans to not be turned off.

One day, as I was leaving seminary, Ryan's brother, Eric came up to me and said, "How do you feel about going on a date with a younger guy?", ahhh what? I had an idea where he was going and tried not to jump out of my skin before I could say "THAT WOULD BE GREAT!!! WHEN? NOW? I'M READY NOW!!!" Not really but the ticker in my brain sure was trying to spit that out. I got ahold of myself and answered that I would be juuuust fine with that. And as is Eric's style, that's all I got. Just sit and stew...and wait....

I'm waiting tables at Western Steer one night and all of a sudden I see Eric and Ryan walk in. Heart sink stomach. Brain losing function. Scared out mind. Yeah, I was not well when I saw them. The fact that Ryan was holding flowers did not help matters. Eric asked if I could take a break and since it was a quiet evening, I could. He asked me to go sit at a table in the back and said someone would be with me shortly.

Ryan walks up, smiles, and sits down. Hands me the flowers and points at the envelope. On the outside is written "Open Me". Heh. Told you he had a fun sense of humor. Gets better. I open it and it says "Don't say a word. Would you go to the prom with me? Blink once for yes. Blink twice for no." It took all of my power to make sure I only blinked ONCE. (I still have that card. You know it.)

Fast forward to prom night. Can't you see the excitement on our faces????? We were scared to death! Neither one of us had dated very much and I was older than him. He didn't even have his license yet, so I had to drive. Add all of that together and we were quite a pair. Didn't know what we were doing, he didn't know anyone at my school and I was driving him around. Getting ready for when he would come to pick me up, I was so nervous I got a lovely breakout of hives. His family arrived, we took some pictures (with my hair UP, I might add, stupid clip broke after we left and I was not too happy about having it down the rest of the night) and we drove off in his sister's Ford Tempo. Niiice.

We went to dinner at Darryl's, and then on to the prom. I couldn't even tell you if we danced. The whole night is a blur. I'm sure we left before it was over and drove around for a while, not knowing what to do. We ended up going back to his parents house and hanging out with his brothers until everyone fell asleep. I woke up the next morning on the living room couch and he had gone to get us biscuits for breakfast.

Needless to say, I screwed it all up eventually and he was gone. I ran in to him a year or so later and man, was I jealous of the new girl. He was still cute as ever, wonder what he's like now.

It's Official!

2008-08-23T12:26:00.002-04:00

Ok, I'm all set up over at Etsy. If you feel so compelled, please feel free to visit the Lily Pad Jumper shop. I'll be adding new prints from time to time and eventually will be adding note cards. If you see a print that you would like as note cards, please let me know.

Wish me luck!! (and tell your friends) ;)

Setting Up Shop

2008-08-20T16:56:00.004-04:00

Ok, I'm jumping in. I'm going to start selling my photos. Yup. I'm just full of surprises this week. Oh, by the way, my seziure inducing decision? I'm going back to church.

So anyway, I'm getting my shop ready over at Etsy.com. The more I look at the pictures I will be putting over there, the more excited I get. And, proud. Several people have commented lately at their appreciation of my point of view. I had never really considered it, you always see what you see. It is an interesting concept to consider that others don't see things the same way you do, even though you are standing at the same viewpoint.

Having said that, I would like to take advantage of your viewpoint. I don't believe in overly photoshoping a photo. I find great joy in looking at a photo and knowing that what comes from the camera is the memory I wanted to capture. Changing it is devaluing the memory. But, some photos need a tiny bit of help to bring out their character.

This iris grew in my Mom's garden, this spring. When adjusting the color and contrast, I couldn't decide between pre color adjustment or post. Please tell me what you think...

Breaking News

2008-08-18T15:39:00.002-04:00

I'm about to do something in my life that will make most people fall over and probably have a seizure. I have this thing about me that makes me not want to tell anyone that I'm going to do it. Because even though they probably wont say it, I'll be thinking that they are thinking "we told you so". So, I'm avoiding it. They don't even know I'm considering it. Well, now they do. Kinda.

But, it's just that yesterday I had a very weird day. I woke up late, lazed around and popped in a movie. Man, that was one depressing movie. I turned it off and just had this strange, uncomfortable feeling. I had been really thinking some things over during the past 24 hours and I couldn't shake any of it. So, I tried to take a nap, hoping I could get the thoughts or the creepy vibe to go away. Two minutes in, the phone rings. Dang it! I'm working on ignoring some stuff here, people.

So, I get up. I think some more. I go outside to smoke a cigarette....

---pause here for ranting and raving----

and another overwhelming thought pops in to my head. Clear as a bell "blank is not going to happen, if you don't do blank." Oh, and I also had this one: "I need to set a goal." You know, it's a miracle the world hasn't spun of it's axis in the last 24 hours with all that is going on with me right now.

Well, you could say I'm getting ready to make a huge jump. And the only thing that is keeping from turning right around and acting like I didn't hear a thing? My new mantra: "You don't have to be perfect."

How To

2008-08-17T16:38:00.002-04:00

I love the internet.

How to Be Happy.
4. Be yourself. Much criticism is caused by people who are discontented with themselves, not with you. One way to get in touch with yourself is through journaling, diaries or (lately) blogs. Your goal may be to open up completely to yourself and learn to be your own best friend by being completely honest with yourself. What do you want out of life? What makes you truly happy? Who do you want to be?

How to Build Self Confidence.
12. Stop worrying. What worries you today will be forgotten by you and people around you tomorrow. Can you remember what you were so worried about the same day the same time last week? If not, then you should not worry right now. You will not worry about it even one week from now.

How to Find Yourself.
8. Be ready for dead ends. Finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. That's the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive: More often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes you fall flat on your face. Be prepared to understand and accept that this is a part of the process, and commit to getting right back up and starting over. It's not going to be easy - it never has been for anybody - but if you learn to see that as a chance to prove how much you want to find yourself, then you'll find fulfillment and security in your pursuit. When you are yourself, then everyone will respect you more and treat you kindly.And you will always feel good about yourself.

Friendly Reminder

2008-08-17T01:18:00.002-04:00

The last year has been a maze. I've gone between knowing where I was inside of it, to being completely blind to my surroundings. During those times of clarity, I had an inner compass guiding me. I was focused and steady, knowing exactly what needed to be done. Then, I encountered my own personal Minotaur. An otherworldly bull, fighting me and blinding me to my goal.

Reality became darker and darker, I lost my balance. Falling away from the strength I had built up. I was forced to consider a completely different course. I struggled to deal with the confusion and frustration, not always gracefully. It felt like war was being waged and the enemy was virtually pitting good versus evil. There was no Greek hero to save us from him, only our faith that in the end we would find a resolution in the best interest of our new little friend.

It has been a few weeks since the war ended. The epilogue is being completed and I have had trouble finding the right words. The blindfold was still covering my eyes, ears and heart. Last night, inspiration came from someone I hadn't expected. He reminded me of my focus, the goal I had always been working towards but had become distracted from. There are not many times in my life that I have physically felt weight being lifted from my soul, and I am so grateful to be able to see the light again.

Guilted Pleasure

2008-08-15T15:24:00.002-04:00

Hero. Brave. Proud. Strong.

A friend told me the other day that I am her hero. People have mentioned that I am brave and I should be proud of what I've done. That I am stronger than anyone they know.

It is hard to process these thoughts. On one hand, it is nice to know that people think these things about me, but it is hard to think them about myself. I'm not sure if it is my semi-negative nature, or my perspective on the situation. To a woman who has place her child in to the arms of another, it is hard to find the heroism, bravery, pride and strength in such an act. I feel embarassed, heart broken, inadequate, lonely, weak, and generally scared. The idea that not being able to care for my child and having to ask someone else to raise him, doesn't feel like something I can necessarily see myself being proud of.

But, what I am proud of is that I never stopped fighting for him. When other people were fighting for themselves, I would not budge. I want him to have a life beyond what I can give him and would not accept less than the terms that would provide that. He is magic and allowing anyone the opportunity to take away any of that brings out every maternal instinct endowed to me. There are still days that I think about something that would not benefit him and want to protect him. I am proud that I have done all I can for him.

I am having more and more better days. But, on those better days, I have twinges of guilt for being happy. It is part of the depression; how can I be happy when I've lost so much and my child isn't with me? I recognize the unhealthy aspect of that though, but it doesn't stop me from having it, yet. I finally unpacked from being away and it felt like I was losing him again. Putting away my maternity clothes, finding a place to put away the clothes of his that I kept. But, dwelling on the negative aspects of my current life are not going to provide me the the positive aspects in the life I want to have.

I have to thank everyone for bearing with me as I continue to work through all of this. I know it can't be easy to continue to hear me talk about it, but I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to let it out. Thank you for loving me, despite my faults. Thank you for your support. Thank you for being my friends when you don't have to. Thank you for being positive aspects in the life I want to have.

1000 Words

2008-08-12T08:13:00.004-04:00

I had a strange imagination, growing up. I guess all kids have some things that they just think of a little differently. On road trips, while watching the sky go by out the window, I used to watch the clouds and think that my Grandpa Fritts was sitting on the biggest and puffiest of them all, looking down on me. I guess it was my way of getting to know him, since I don't really remember him. (I also used to pretend there was someone living underneath the eucalyptus tree outside my bedroom window. I'm beginning to sense a theme here.)

The clouds have recently been capturing my attention again. I'm unsure if they are exceptionally beautiful lately, or I just haven't been giving them the credit they are due. The sky seems to have an ethereal texture, kind of takes my breath away every time I look out the window. The clouds hold on to the sun's light and turn it in to that cliche of painted light.

I'm frustrated, because it seems to be one of those instances where I am unable to capture the moment they way it is happening in front of me. The picture is never quite as beautiful as real life. But then, what is ever as beautiful as what you have in front of you. That is one of the things we tend to forget, to be in the moment and be grateful for what you have. Lesson learned.