Raw

I have avoided really talking in this space. Out of fear, pride, embarrassment, hiding behind the person people think I am. If I have learned anything in this past year, one of the most important things has to be that what I was doing, wasn't working.

I must warn you though, going forward, I may say things that will hurt you, will make you cry, will shock you, maybe confuse you. But, I can't hide behind myself anymore. I need to open myself up to the fact that I have things inside of me that need to come out. Locking myself away doesn't help me become the person I could be, and if he taught me anything, it's that I will never be the same person I was before I met him.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

I miss him with an ache that haunts me. I can still feel him searching, his face grazing my cheek. Watching the video of him having a bath, relishing in getting his hair washed. I have NEVER met anyone so peaceful, so calm and open to the new world around them.

In time, I want to talk about my experience. What got me here, and what I want to do in learning from all that has happened. But for now, I am grieving and am so thankful to be able to do it in the cocoon of my parents home. Mom, you help me just by being there. I love you.