Friday, August 15, 2008

Guilted Pleasure

Hero. Brave. Proud. Strong.

A friend told me the other day that I am her hero. People have mentioned that I am brave and I should be proud of what I've done. That I am stronger than anyone they know.

It is hard to process these thoughts. On one hand, it is nice to know that people think these things about me, but it is hard to think them about myself. I'm not sure if it is my semi-negative nature, or my perspective on the situation. To a woman who has place her child in to the arms of another, it is hard to find the heroism, bravery, pride and strength in such an act. I feel embarassed, heart broken, inadequate, lonely, weak, and generally scared. The idea that not being able to care for my child and having to ask someone else to raise him, doesn't feel like something I can necessarily see myself being proud of.

But, what I am proud of is that I never stopped fighting for him. When other people were fighting for themselves, I would not budge. I want him to have a life beyond what I can give him and would not accept less than the terms that would provide that. He is magic and allowing anyone the opportunity to take away any of that brings out every maternal instinct endowed to me. There are still days that I think about something that would not benefit him and want to protect him. I am proud that I have done all I can for him.

I am having more and more better days. But, on those better days, I have twinges of guilt for being happy. It is part of the depression; how can I be happy when I've lost so much and my child isn't with me? I recognize the unhealthy aspect of that though, but it doesn't stop me from having it, yet. I finally unpacked from being away and it felt like I was losing him again. Putting away my maternity clothes, finding a place to put away the clothes of his that I kept. But, dwelling on the negative aspects of my current life are not going to provide me the the positive aspects in the life I want to have.

I have to thank everyone for bearing with me as I continue to work through all of this. I know it can't be easy to continue to hear me talk about it, but I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to let it out. Thank you for loving me, despite my faults. Thank you for your support. Thank you for being my friends when you don't have to. Thank you for being positive aspects in the life I want to have.

1 comment:

heatherrainbow said...

I know for me... it strikes me hard, because I think of all of the reasons that I am strong, and wish that I didn't have to be.