Sunday, August 10, 2008

Treading Water

I've been struggling, these past few days. I don't know if it was the fact that Z celebrated his one month birthday on Friday. Or if it's just the general mist of sadness I walk through, lately.

It is such a different experience for me, to have all of this openness. The multitude of pictures at my fingertips, the ability to email and text a moments notice. I didn't have that with the twins and I think sometimes it is harder for me now, because it makes it a little bit harder to let go. Not that I don't want any of those things, but it does make it harder.

I am going through the grieving process and I struggle with it. Because of my history of depression, it makes it that much harder. My counselor, who I had been seeing during my pregnancy moved away for the summer. We had started to work on the grief aspect just before
she left, but things changed so much in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and after Z was born, that those tools she gave me were almost meaningless. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with Z,
which would have made this a different path, for me. But, Nathan knocked me off my tracks. I was firm in my resolve until his hurricane blew in and now I am having to deal with this new pain I wasn't expecting.

Just like I couldn't handle waiting that 10 more days until the papers were finalized, I don't know how much longer I can continue to rip this bandaid off and put it back on. I didn't expect to feel like I would need to step away so soon, but I don't think I will be able to move on if I don't allow myself to find closure.

I guess I let Nathan's words infect me a little bit, that I don't care. How could I WANT to step away from him? But, years from now, I would be doing Z a disservice if I met him and hadn't given him the gift of being happy with the life I gave him.

I guess, ultimately, my one hope for all of this, is that Z will know how much I love him. It is all I can think about, worrying "how will he KNOW" if he can't hear me tell him, feel me share it with him, see me show him? But, I just have to have faith that with T&N's love and guidance, he will come to understand it, one day. I wrote his birth letter yesterday and keep pouring over it, hoping that it expresses enough to him. Answers enough to comfort him, introduces enough of me to let him know who I am.

I emailed my therapist this weekend. She will be back in a couple of weeks and I let her know that I need to be on her list of people she sees when she starts back. I'm treading water and I need help. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't see myself making progress, by myself.