Tuesday, August 5, 2008

We Will Not Be Bargaining

In the book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief. It is important to be aware that she notes that not all persons enduring grief will go through all of these stages, nor are they always experienced in order. She did state though, that a griever will always experience at least two of these stages. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I am going through an Anger stage. I think I started off with Depression and in the past few days I have been a mixture of the two. I also feel that the depression will maintain a low hum in the back of my head, and heart, for quite a while.

But right now, I have a large swarm of stings pricking me from all directions. Why does that girl waiting at the bus stop with her child get to keep him and I don't get to keep Z? Why do T&N get to be so happy, gaining everything, and I have to be depressed and feel like I am lost and empty? Winners and losers. Why did I have to go through nine months of growing this human being, be cut open to allow him to enter this world, and then not get to benefit from the pay off of holding him, loving him, and seeing him grow? Did I make the wrong decision? Is it too late to change my mind? Why do I feel forced that this is the only right option because of a fool on the other side of the fence? Why can't I hide from reality and avoid going back to any sort of life I had before he was part of the world?

Thoughts of frustration and indignation. Staring off in to space, I wake up forgetting where I am. I look around me to readjust to my surroundings and always feel something is missing. I watched some of the videos of Z's time with us and he feels so far away. It has only been 11 days since I last held him, but it feels like an entire lifetime. I want to sit inside of someone, to be able to feel something. Realizing that I will never hold that baby, ever again, breaks my heart again. How are there still pieces left to break?

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